Fort Collins: The undisputed champ

What makes a town a great place to live? According to Money Magazine, it’s gotta have “everything any family could want - economic opportunity, good schools, safe streets, things to do and a sense of community.” The magazine also looks at the ratio between average annual income and cost of living, average amount of school completed by residents, percentage of people with health care and overall quality of life.

Well, Fort Collins has done quite well in these ratings and consequently received the prized title of “Best Place to Live in 2006.” But what about the intangible observations that statistics can’t measure? I have compiled a list of 10 fairly intangible observations that I feel exalt Fort Collins, the constant, above other cities that I’ve lived in, the variables. So sound the bell and let's get this heavyweight bout underway!

Round 1: Fort Collins Vs. Colorado Springs

This battle might as well be titled “attractive girl blows kiss from nice Jetta vs. high school dropout on power trip stares you down through the peeling window tint of his Honda Civic.” To me, this is a no-brainer.

Let me explain: See, in Colorado Springs Civics are as common as AIDS in Africa (and probably more deadly). Young wannabe Slim Shadys buy Honda Civics with unfinished body work from the parking lot of Wal-Mart, alter the exhaust, throw a “meant for speed” sticker on the back window, and all of a sudden think their on the set of The Fast and the Furious.

Not only that, but when they pull next to you at a stoplight, they stare as if they are Vin Diesel. Fortunately, Vin Diesel looks like a chimp with Down syndrome and so I laugh at their pitiful attempt at establishing their piss boundaries.

Fort Collins, on the other hand, has a beautiful rule that is more reliable than gravity: out of five females driving a Volkswagen Jetta, four will be attractive (deemed by me).

The Four-fifths Rule, as my roommates and I describe it, ensures that when you pull up to a light, you’re more likely to get a germ-free air kiss from a gem in a Jetta than a finger from a chimp in a Civic. Four-fifths of the time I’ll take the former over the latter!

That’s enough for now … Round one goes to Fort Collins!